its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
