there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
