My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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