at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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