Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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