You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
