I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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