I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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