So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
