I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
