you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
