I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
