I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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