Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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