my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone came in the potted fern
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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