guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
