apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
