he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
