I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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