Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
