you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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