I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pants are for mortals
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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