Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
