I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i would punch a child for taco bell
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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