2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize