Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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