Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize