and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
