But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
