Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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