wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
