Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
