i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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