update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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