The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize