I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
