her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
