Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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