oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
