I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize