No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
