I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
