there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
