first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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