you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
