Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
