I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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