I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
