Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
