Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
