Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize