I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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