Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
