I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
