these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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