I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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