I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
